How To Set Boundaries
If you struggle to set boundaries please know you’re not alone!
We’ve all been there. You’re stretched thin, saying ‘yes’ when every fibre of your being wants to say ‘no.’
Whether it’s agreeing to yet another work task, making time for that friend who only ever calls when they need something, or taking on family commitments that leave you feeling resentful and depleted, it’s exhausting.
For those who have spent a lifetime putting others first, the idea of explicitly setting boundaries can make you feel sick with anxiety and like your body’s going into battle.
So, what does setting boundaries really mean? And why is it so hard, especially when you’ve been conditioned to people-please, avoid conflict, or seek approval at all costs?
What Are Boundaries, Really?
Boundaries are your personal guidelines, the invisible lines that help define what behaviours, requests, or situations you will accept or reject.
They’re essential for protecting your energy, maintaining healthy relationships, and nurturing a sense of self-respect.
In essence, boundaries are how you show yourself (and the world) that your needs, feelings, and time matter. They’re not about shutting people out but about managing people’s expectations and letting people know how they can engage with you in a way that feels safe and respectful. So you can build authentic connections.
Why Is It So Hard to Set Boundaries?
Many of us learned early on that our worth was tied to how helpful, accommodating, or ‘nice’ we could be.
This conditioning often grows from experiences in childhood, messages that being ‘good’ equals being selfless, agreeable, and accommodating, even to your own detriment.
Over time, you internalise that putting yourself first is selfish, or you fear the repercussions of setting limits - disappointment, anger, or rejection from others.
This is especially true if your default reaction to stress or conflict is the fawn response, a trauma response where you appease others as a form of self-protection. Saying ‘no’ can feel unsafe or like an act of rebellion against the rules that have been imposed on you via the messages you’ve received from your environment growing up (hence why you feel so anxious and guilty about it!).
When Do You Need To Set Boundaries?
To start setting boundaries, you first need to recognise what you want and need and where boundaries are lacking.
This requires honest reflection on areas in your life where you feel overcommitted, resentful, or anxious.
These feelings are often signals from your body that something isn’t right, a sign that your needs are being neglected.
Ask yourself:
Are there recurring situations where you feel drained/depleted?
Do you feel angry or guilty after interacting with certain people?
Are you frazzled and is your schedule so packed that you don’t have any time for yourself?
These clues are telling you where you need to protect some time and space.
How to Start Setting Boundaries
Understand Your ‘Why’
Before you communicate a boundary, get clear on why it’s important to you. This helps you feel more confident in upholding it. For example, if you need to set limits with a colleague who frequently asks for last-minute help, remind yourself that respecting your time is crucial for your well-being and work-life balance and setting a boundary will help the colleague realise they can’t expect you to be available everytime.
Start Small
If the idea of setting a boundary feels intimidating, start with something small and manageable. Practice saying no to a minor request or being honest about your capacity when a trusted friend asks if you’re free. The more you practice, the more you’ll realise that you’re capable of setting boundaries and the likelihood of the feared outcome happen is much less than how it feels .
Use Clear and Compassionate Communication
Communicating a boundary doesn’t mean you have to be harsh. You can be firm while still showing kindness. For instance, ‘I’d love to help you with that, but I’m not able to take on anything extra right now’ is a clear, respectful way to say no.
Stick to Your Boundaries
One of the hardest parts of setting boundaries is upholding them when others push back. It’s not uncommon to back track to get rid of the discomfort so be prepared! Expect that there may be some resistance from others, especially if you’re changing long-established patterns. The key is to stay consistent. If you give in, it reinforces to others that your boundaries aren’t solid.
Let Go of Guilt
Feeling guilty after setting a boundary is normal, especially if you’re used to being the go-to person. Remind yourself that prioritising your needs isn’t selfish; it’s an act of self-care and self-respect. Over time, as you see the positive impact on your mental health and relationships, that guilt will fade.
The Unexpected Benefits of Setting Boundaries
While it might feel uncomfortable at first, setting boundaries leads to healthier, more balanced relationships.
It allows others to see you for who you really are – someone with their own needs, limits, and worth.
Over time, you’ll notice that those who respect your boundaries are the ones worth keeping close, while those who don’t may naturally fade away. And that’s okay.
Making space for relationships that are supportive and reciprocal is life-changing and fosters real authentic connections, so you get a real sense of belonging.
How Therapy Can Help You Set Boundaries
Learning to set boundaries isn’t an overnight process, especially if you’re used to putting everyone else first.
It takes time, practice, and a lot of self-compassion. But as you begin to honour your own needs and build a life that reflects what’s important to you, you’ll find that boundaries aren’t just a practice, they’re a path to reclaiming your authentic self.
If you ‘get’ what you need to do but don’t feel able to implement these tips or you implement the tips but feel overwhelming anxiety and guilt it’s probably a sign to consider how therapy can help.
By uncovering and addressing what drives the discomfort you feel, you will be much more better placed to start setting and maintaining boundaries, without guilt and anxiety.
My approach helps you get to the root cause of your difficulties whilst also teaching you various practical tips, techniques and strategies so you feel more confident in setting boundaries - what a boundary is, what to actually say to implement boundaries and how and when to say it.
