‘I Don’t Know Who I Am’ 5 Steps to Finding Yourself and How Therapy Can Help

Feeling Lost? You’re Not Alone

Many of us reach a point in life where we realise we don’t really know who we are. Perhaps you’re constantly busy, always doing what you ‘should’ do, constantly doing things for other people, saying yes when you want to say no, and focusing on keeping up with the demands of life, work, and relationships.

But beneath all that, there’s a nagging feeling of not really knowing yourself—who you are, what you want, what makes you, you.

It’s a horrible feeling to have and might even feel a bit scary, but noticing and acknowledging that feeling is also a first step towards discovering your true self.

In my work as a trauma-informed therapist and counsellor, I meet people every day who feel this exact way.

I work with individuals who feel obligated to keep everyone else happy. You might notice how this shows up for you in terms of saying ‘I don’t mind’ a lot or ‘going with the flow’, and somewhere along the way, you’ve lost sight of what you do like, what you do prefer, and who you truly are.

If this sounds familiar, please know that you’re not alone!

Below, I’ll share some practical tips to help you reconnect with yourself and explain how therapy can support you along the way.

1. Start Noticing What Brings You Joy

You may have been so preoccupied with how everyone else is feeling and making sure the people around you are happy that you feel lost and struggle to identify what truly makes you happy.

One way to start reconnecting with yourself is to pay attention to what genuinely makes you feel good. This might be an activity, a person, or simply a peaceful moment in the day.

Really notice those moments and start making notes—even if it’s something small, like dancing in the kitchen or a new pair of pyjamas. Noting any little moments that bring a smile to your face or make you feel relaxed will increase your self-awareness. These clues can help you start recognising what you truly enjoy and what gives your life meaning. It can open doors to parts of yourself that may have been overlooked.

2. Listen to Your Inner Voice (Not the Expectations of Others)

If you feel disconnected from yourself, you may have spent so much time listening to others’ opinions that you start to lose your own voice.

Society, family, or even your own beliefs about who you ‘should’ be can create a loud mental noise that drowns out your authentic self.

One powerful way to start reconnecting with yourself is to try and differentiate between what you want and what you think others expect of you.

The next time you’re faced with a decision, ask yourself: ‘Am I doing this because it’s what I want, or because it’s what’s expected?’ If that’s too tricky to distinguish, try considering this: if you woke up tomorrow having made a decision and knew it didn’t impact anyone—no one was upset with you, and everything was fine—what choice would you make?

The more you start identifying and listening to your own voice, the clearer it becomes.

If this feels too difficult (which isn’t uncommon if you’re a people-pleaser!), therapy can be a great space for exploring these distinctions, helping you uncover what truly resonates with you versus what has been imposed.

3. How to Prioritise Yourself

If you’re prone to people-pleasing, you probably find yourself saying ‘yes’ out of habit, politeness, or a fear of disappointing others.

But this endless ‘yes’ cycle can lead to burnout, resentment, and a deeper sense of feeling lost.

Reclaiming your ‘no’ is about setting boundaries that honour your own needs and preferences.

Start small. Practise saying ‘no’ in manageable situations. Start with things that don’t feel overwhelming and notice how it feels.

Setting boundaries can be hard, but over time, it helps you prioritise your needs and feel more aligned with your true self.

I know this is often easier said than done—I’ve been there, and so have hundreds of people I’ve worked with! If setting boundaries fills you with dread and saying ‘no’ makes you feel guilty or anxious, therapy can help you identify and address what’s driving those struggles and support you in building boundary-setting skills.

So you can say ‘no’ without anxiety and guilt.

4. Try Not To Compare And Despair!

With social media, it’s easier than ever to get trapped in comparison.

You might look around and feel as though everyone else seems to have it all figured out.

Meanwhile, you’re over here feeling uncertain, lost, and unsure of your next steps.

The reality is, no one’s journey is the same, and comparing your life to someone else’s usually leads to feeling less confident and even more disconnected.

When you notice yourself comparing, take a deep breath and remind yourself that everyone’s journey is unique. Remember, you are only shown a snapshot of someone else’s life and it’s usually what they’ve chosen to show you. We never truly know what’s going on in people’s lives (especially on social media).

You are allowed to be exactly where you are right now.

If you often get trapped in cycles of overthinking and comparison, therapy can help you understand the deeper roots of it and provide a safe space to explore your own timeline without the pressure to ‘keep up’ with others.

5. How to Understand Yourself

One of the most empowering ways to understand yourself is to connect with your core values.

Values are different from goals in that they are the principles or qualities that matter most to you, and they can be powerful anchors in helping you figure out who you are and what you stand for.

When you’re out of touch with your values, life can feel empty or meaningless. But reconnecting with them can provide a sense of purpose and direction.

Spend some time reflecting on what really matters to you.

Ask yourself: What do I believe in? What do I want my life to stand for? What’s important to me?

Therapy can be invaluable here, helping you identify and connect with your values, establish a routine that fits those values, and give you the tools to make choices and set boundaries that align with them.

How Therapy Can Help You Find Yourself

Therapy is a supportive, non-judgemental space where you can explore who you really are, without the masks and expectations that may have built up over the years.

Through therapy, you can gain deeper insight into why you feel lost or disconnected and learn practical tools to reconnect with your authentic self.

As a trauma-informed therapist, I work with you to unpack past experiences that may have shaped these habits and beliefs (even if you wouldn’t describe them as ‘traumatic’), helping you understand why you feel this way and what you can do to feel more like your true self.

Therapy can help you build the confidence to set boundaries, stop living life according to others’ expectations, and connect with your own unique values and desires.

The First Step Towards Finding Yourself

Feeling lost is a sign that you’re ready for something deeper.

If any of these steps resonate with you, take a moment to reflect on what small changes you might be able to make to start reconnecting with yourself. And if you’re ready to take that next step, therapy can be a powerful tool to support you along the way.

Remember, you don’t have to have it all figured out, and you don’t have to do it alone.

The journey to self-discovery is ongoing. Even though it might feel like it, there’s no rush—just a series of small steps towards understanding who you truly are.

When it all clicks into place, you’ll feel lighter and liberated, ready to start living life more authentically.