How To Set Boundaries At Christmas
How to Break Free from People-Pleasing This Festive Season
The festive season is often painted as a time of joy and magic, but if you struggle with people-pleasing, Christmas can feel more like a marathon of obligations. Between trying to meet everyone’s expectations and making sure no one feels left out, the joy you hoped to experience can easily get buried under stress and pressure.
In this post, I’ll explore how people-pleasing shows up at Christmas, why we fall into these patterns, and what steps you can take to break free from the cycle.
Why We People-Please at Christmas
If you find yourself bending over backwards to make everyone happy this time of year, you’re not alone. Many of us, particularly women, grow up with societal messages that teach us to be ‘good’ - defined as being polite, self-sacrificing, and agreeable.
Then, when Christmas rolls around, the pressure to conform to this role steps up a notch and feeling that you have to create the ‘perfect Christmas’ intensifies.
But people-pleasing isn’t just about being polite and nicce.
People-Pleasing is often a coping mechanism rooted in the fawn response,
A lesser-known reaction to sense of threat and stress.
While most people are familiar with fight, flight, or freeze, the fawn response leads us to appease others to avoid conflict or disapproval.
Even if there’s no physical danger, your nervous system might interpret the potential for rejection or criticism as a threat, kicking you into fawn mode. If you’ve grown up feeling responsible for others’ happiness, the festive time can amplify this response, making it hard to focus on your own needs.
Signs You’re Being A People-Pleasing
How do you know if you’re stuck in people-pleasing mode this Christmas? Here are some common signs:
Saying Yes When You Want to Say No
You’re stretched thin, yet you find yourself agreeing to host, attend, or help out at events you don’t want to. Maybe you dread saying no because crafting an excuse feels exhausting, or you fear disappointing someone.Feeling Guilty for Prioritising Yourself
Planning a quiet evening for yourself? Cue the guilt before you’ve even sat down to watch The Holiday or Love Actually. Your to-do list looms large, and you can’t switch off. Even though you know rationally you’ve been spending so much time running round doing things for everyone else, the thought of relaxing feels selfish.Playing the Peacekeeper
If there’s conflict or tension at gatherings, you instinctively step in to smooth things over, trying to deflect the tension, changing to subject or making a joke, even at the cost of your own comfort.Overcommitting
From hosting to shopping, baking, and organising, you overfill your schedule to ensure everything is ‘perfect.’ But by the time Christmas arrives, you’re too exhausted to enjoy it.Avoiding Difficult Conversations
You dread seeing certain people but feel obligated to show up. Once there, you overcompensate with smiles and people-pleasing behaviours, leaving you emotionally drained.Hyper-Focusing on Others’ Opinions
Whether it’s worrying if your gifts are good enough or fretting over how clean your house is, you’re preoccupied with being judged or criticised.Feeling a Sense of Dread
Instead of excitement, the lead-up to Christmas fills you with overwhelm and anxiety, as you mentally prepare for all the demands ahead.
The Consequence of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing doesn’t just drain you physically, it takes an emotional toll too. By Boxing Day, you might feel completely burnt out from suppressing your feelings and putting on a mask.
This exhaustion can even manifest physically, with migraines, stomach issues, or a sense of emotional numbness as your nervous system shifts from hyperarousal (stress) to hypoarousal (shutdown).
Emotionally, you might feel resentment towards those who didn’t seem to share the load, or sadness that once again, your needs were pushed aside.
This can linger into the new year, leaving you disconnected from the very people you worked so hard to please.
How To Stop People-Pleasing At Christmas
Recognising these patterns is the first step, but how do you actually break free?
Set Boundaries
You’re allowed to say no. Before committing to anything, pause and ask yourself:
Do I genuinely want to do this?
Will this add unnecessary stress?
If the answer is no, practice declining politely but firmly. For example:
“I’d love to, but I’ve just got too much on this year.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t commit this time.”
Let Go of Perfection
The ‘perfect Christmas’ doesn’t exist.
Remember, your worth isn’t measured by how well you host or how impressive your gifts are.
Try and focus on what feels meaningful to you instead of chasing unattainable standards.
Build in Rest
Schedule downtime just as you would any other commitment.
Whether it’s a quiet evening watching your favourite Christmas film or a walk alone, prioritise moments that recharge you.
Release Guilt
It’s okay to prioritise yourself.
If you feel guilt at putting yourself first or even just giving your need a little attention for once, remind yourself the guilt isn’t a sign you are doing anything wrong! It’s a sign that you are doing something different to what your used to.
Remind yourself that taking care of your needs helps you show up better for others in the long run.
It’s like the saying goes, ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’
Seek Support
If the pressure feels overwhelming, consider talking to someone, a trusted friend, partner, or therapist about how you’re feeling. Sometimes just sharing your experience can lighten the load and put things into perspective.
And Remember…
The festive season doesn’t have to be a battleground for your people-pleasing tendencies. By recognising these patterns and taking small steps to prioritise yourself, you can create a Christmas that feels less about obligation and more about genuine joy and connection.
Remember: You deserve to enjoy Christmas too.
