How Do You Know If You Are a People-Pleaser?
Identifying if you are a people-pleaser involves reflecting on your thoughts, feelings and patterns of behaviour.
Practice noticing how you tend to respond and feel in certain situations, and you will be able to recognise if you are consistently putting others' needs before your own and have become caught in an unhelpful people-pleasing trap.
Here are some things to look out for that may indicate you're a people-pleaser:
Difficulty/Inability to Say No to People:
Are you saying yes to things you don’t really want to do? Do you find it hard to decline requests or say no to others, even when it inconveniences you or goes against your own needs? People-pleasers usually struggle to say no without feeling anxious or guilty or feeling like they are a bad person.
Fear of Confrontation/Avoidance of Conflict:
Observe how you respond to disagreements and potential conflict. Do you struggle to stand up for yourself and find yourself smiling or being extra nice to people to try and appease them if there’s a sign of conflict? Are you the one that tends to back down? Do you suppress how you really think and feel and avoid voicing your opinion in case it ‘rocks the boat’? It’s not uncommon for people-pleasers to feel they are treading on eggshells a lot of the time.
Putting Everyone Else First:
Are you consistently prioritising everyone else over yourself? Do you find yourself bending over backwards for people despite not having the time or headspace to do more? If you’re a people-pleaser you will tend to give more to others than you get back in return and neglect your own needs and self-care because you feel you should be helping everyone else before yourself.
Approval-Seeking:
Do you notice you do things based on what you think others expect of you or what will ensure they see you in a positive light? Perhaps you seek validation or approval from others; you might notice you only post content on social media that you know people will like. If you’re a people-pleaser you might be basing your self-worth on the opinions or reactions of other people. and moulding yourself to a version that will ensure you get the approval you seek.
Guilt & Anxiety:
Do you feel guilty and anxious when you express your own preferences, opinions, or say no to people? If you’re a people-pleaser you likely worry about letting people down or being rejected/disliked and therefore avoid setting boundaries or prioritising your own needs. And if you do prioritise yourself you feel ‘selfish’ and guilty because it just feels wrong.
Indecisiveness and Feeling Unsure:
Are you known for saying ‘I don’t mind’ and ‘I’ll go with the flow’? Do you find yourself not wanting to upset anyone or feel bad if you express a preference that is different from someone else’s? As a people-pleaser you seek other people’s input before making a decision or doubt your decisions once made. You are so used to considering everyone else that you don’t know what to decide because you don’t know what your preference is.
Burn-Out/Feeling Run Down:
Are you prone to feeling fatigued and generally run down? You might find you consistently overcommit yourself to tasks, obligations, or social events. Perhaps you are the one that always seems to be working more hours than anyone else or taking responsibility for all the life admin tasks that need doing. Putting everyone else first means you tend to neglect your own needs and basic self-care, leading to a lack of balance in life and risk of burnout.
Feeling Responsible for Everyone Else:
People-pleasers tend to be really attuned to how people are feeling and have often grown up in circumstances that have given them an inflated sense of responsibility. Putting those elements together means people-pleasers often feel responsible for how other people feel. Do you find you struggle to express how you feel for fear of how it will make the other person feel? Perhaps you tend to end up in friendships and relationships where you feel you are walking on eggshells and suppressing your true self in case it causes conflict or upsets the other person. You might find you are overly considerate in how you communicate and rarely show or express ‘raw’ thoughts or emotion.
Feelings of Resentment:
Do you often feel like you are the one who makes the most effort in relationships? Perhaps you find yourself feeling resentful or bitter towards the other person because you feel taken advantage of or unappreciated. You may swing from taking on all the responsibility in the relationship to feeling so fed up that you stop doing anything and shut down.
Social Chameleon:
Do you find you can shift how you come across depending on your audience? People-pleasers are often seen as likeable and amenable because they tend to be really good at tuning into other people’s needs and wants and then presenting a version of themselves that fits the expectations and likes of the other people. Fear of being rejected, mocked, or disliked makes it hard to show people who you really are.
Not Knowing Who You Really Are:
Struggling to identify your true self is common as a people-pleaser. After all, spending so much time being hyper-focused and vigilant of everyone else’s wants, needs, and feelings doesn’t leave much time for focusing attention on yourself. Are you often feeling unsure of yourself? Perhaps you struggle to know what you really like or what you really want to do in life? Focusing on meeting the expectations of others can result in you struggling to identify your own values, needs, and desires.
If you find yourself resonating with some of these, it’s likely you exhibit people-pleasing tendencies.
The first step is increasing your awareness and recognising how these tendencies show up in your daily life. I have a free downloadable guide that will help you begin tackling some of the unhelpful habits of people-pleasing, but you may find you need to get to the root cause to fully understand and overcome your people-pleasing.
