How Do I Stop People-Pleasing?
Unfortunately, there isn’t a straightforward answer to stopping people-pleasing (I know how annoying that sounds!) but this is because the root cause of what’s driving people-pleasing needs to be fully understood and addressed and the root cause will be so individual to you.
This is why my number one recommendation is always trauma-informed therapy. You don’t need to have experienced what you would describe as ‘trauma’ for a trauma-informed therapy to be helpful. ‘Trauma-informed’ means difficulties are seen through the lens of ‘what has happened' to you’ rather than ‘what is wrong with you’ so there is a shift from looking at how to solely manage' symptoms to discovering and addressing where the people-pleasing comes from and all the factors working to maintaining it.
So, if you’re asking yourself, ‘why can’t I stop people-pleasing?’ It’s because people-pleasing usually stems from deeper issues like low self-worth or fear of rejection and is often linked to the Fawn Response (when your brain sees perceived or real threats it causes you to try and avoid conflict, danger, or rejection by appeasing others).
Certain therapy techniques, like the evidence-based ones I use in my trauma-informed approach, help you process experiences and memories that caused your people-pleasing tendencies. By processing this effectively your brain is better able to distinguish between real and perceived threats, making it easier to recognise that there’s usually no ‘real’ danger in saying no or setting boundaries (even if it it feels like there is!)
Without addressing the root cause, it may feel too difficult and anxiety-inducing to stop people-pleasing. But with the right support, meaningful change is absolutely possible! I’m proof of that and so are hundreds of people I’ve worked with.
If accessing therapy isn’t possible, here are;
6 ways to work towards stopping people-pleasing
1) Increase Awareness
Start noticing how your people-pleasing shows up in your everyday life and see if you can identify patterns (certain behaviours, people, places, contexts, or phrases such as ‘I don’t mind’ and ‘I’m sorry’).
2) Tune into How You Feel
Really notice how your body feels when you are people-pleasing. It might sound a bit strange, but asking, ‘What might my body be remembering?’ and noticing what comes to mind can help identify how the past is influencing your reaction to the present.
3) Take Small Steps
See if you can start making small changes to your people-pleasing habits. For example, instead of saying ‘I’m sorry’, practice saying ‘Thank you for waiting for me’, or practice slowing down when you’re in a queue at the supermarket. Click here for my free guide of 12 ways to practice breaking people-pleasing habits.
4) Self-Reflection
Make notes or journal to tune into what you truly feel—your own needs, wants, and preferences.
5) Set Small Boundaries and Make Requests
Start with something manageable, like saying no to a minor request, blocking out a small amount of protected time for yourself during your workday, or having a cut-off where you don’t look at emails. Practice saying what you would like to eat or watch when you are with your partner or friends.
6) Practise Self-Compassion
If guilt kicks in because you’ve had to say no to someone or put yourself first, ask yourself, ‘What would I say to my friend if they felt this way?’ Would I tell them they should feel bad, or would I reassure them about the importance of looking after themselves?
