3 Reasons Why You Might Be A People-Pleaser
Firstly, please know, people-pleasing isn’t a fixed personality trait or ‘ just the way you are’. Instead, try and see it for what it truly is: a learnt coping strategy.
It’s actually ingenious when you think of it! If you think about how it likely developed in childhood you start to see why it developed because ultimately, it helped you get certain needs of yours met and/or keep you safe or at least reduce your risk of harm .
I’ll go over 3 common reasons this coping strategy develops:
1. Fear of Rejection or Abandonment
Many people-pleasers have a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment. This fear often stems from early experiences where you may have felt unloved, unimportant, or neglected. As a result, you learned if you pleased the people around you and kept them happy, you could gain their approval, avoid rejection, or prevent them from walking away from you. Therefore by constantly accommodating others, you increased your chances of securing your place in relationships and avoiding the pain of being left out or alone.
2. Low Self-Worth and the Need for Validation
Think about the messages you received growing up, either directly or indirectly, they all influence and shape your beliefs about yourself, others and the world in general. As a child, you may have received messages that your value comes from making others happy and being agreeable. When you expressed what you wanted or needed, you may have been made to feel like you were naughty or ‘bad’. Seeking external validation then became necessary because you didn’t feel inherently worthy without it. This need for approval drives you to prioritise others' needs over your own, often at the expense of your well-being.
3. Trauma and the Fawn Response
People-pleasing is also linked to trauma and what’s known as the ‘fawn response,’ a reaction to perceived danger. As a child, you were less likely to be able to fight or flee from danger, so you learned that pleasing others could reduce risk to yourself and help you feel safe. By being overly accommodating and avoiding conflict, you tried to prevent further harm or distress. Over time, this response can become ingrained, leading you to habitually put others' needs first to feel safe and secure.
Why It’s Important To Identify The Root Cause
The reason you developed people-pleasing is individual to you.
There are so many different factors and variables involved that the first key step to addressing people-pleasing is really understanding the reason for your behaviour.
Once you identify where your people-pleasing comes from, you're in a much better place to implement strategies to overcome it effectively.
That’s why my approach is so focused on helping you discover and address the root cause.
If you want to get started on addressing your people-pleasing, don’t hesitate to reach out for a free - no obligation - initial call. We can have a chat about how I can help.
