How Does ADHD Link To People-Pleasing?

3 Oct

When you think of ADHD, you might picture difficulty focusing, restlessness, or impulsivity. But for many, especially those who are undiagnosed, ADHD can manifest in ways that go far beyond attention struggles.

People-pleasing, masking, and a lifelong feeling of being ‘too much’ or ‘difficult’ can all be deeply intertwined with the ADHD experience, particularly when you've spent years trying to fit into a world that doesn’t quite understand you.

ADHD, Rejection Sensitivity, and the Fawn Response

If you have ADHD, particularly if it went undiagnosed for years, you may have spent much of your life feeling misunderstood or judged. Those with ADHD are often labeled as difficult, lazy, or even ‘too sensitive’ leading to repeated emotional wounds that can leave a lasting impact.

And if you experience Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) even the smallest hint of criticism or disapproval feels like a deep emotional cut, so being labeled negatively can feel even more overwhelmingly hurtful.

Because of this sensitivity, it makes sense that you might find yourself engaging in people-pleasing behaviours to avoid the pain of rejection or criticism. We can also view people-pleasing as an example of the fawn response being activated, a threat response where you use appeasement (rather than fight or flight) to avoid conflict or negative attention.

This might manifest as suppressing what you really want and need as you aim to keep the peace through being overly accommodating, agreeing to things you don’t want to do, and shapeshifting yourself to fit other people’s expectations.

If you’ve faced repeated criticism or misunderstanding for your ADHD traits. Over time, people-pleasing might feel like your only way to cope with the pressure to conform and fit into social norms that don’t account for the way your brain works.

Masking: Hiding Your True Self to Fit In

If you’ve spent years feeling misunderstood because of your ADHD, you may have developed an amazing ability to ‘mask’ who you really are. Masking is when you hide or suppress the behaviours that feel natural to you in order to appear more ‘acceptable’ to others.

For example, you might:

Push yourself to appear more organised and focused, even when you’re struggling internally and feel completely overwhelmed with life admin and everything that comes with being an adult.
Hold back your natural energy and enthusiasm because you've been told you're ‘too much’ for others to handle and you don’t want to feel like people are going to be thinking or talking negatively about you.
Try to seem calm and in control and ‘present’, even when your mind feels completely scattered, easily distracted and going in ten different directions at once.

While masking can be a functional coping strategy to help you feel like you’re fitting in, it’s incredibly draining.

It’s often a horrible feeling, knowing you are constantly pretending to be someone you’re not, just to meet the expectations of others.

No wonder a lot of the people I work with describe feelings of shame, discontent, frustration, and exhaustion, as they suppress their true self in an attempt to gain acceptance.

The Trauma of Being Misunderstood and ‘Too Much’

If you’ve lived with undiagnosed ADHD, it’s not uncommon to have experienced people labelling you as ‘too much’ (depending on the extent of your masking). Too loud, too energetic, too talkative, too unreliable, too forgetful, too scattered.

Being told that your natural way of being is problematic can be incredibly damaging, especially if you don’t yet understand that ADHD can be at the root of these behaviours.

You may have internalised the belief that you’re somehow defective, not good enough, weird or that you need to change who you are to fit in and be liked. Over time, this can lead to deep emotional wounds that feed into the people-pleasing cycle. You might find yourself constantly seeking external approval and validation, hoping that by keeping everyone happy, you’ll finally be accepted.

But this way of living comes at a cost. When you’re always trying to please others, you end up neglecting your own needs, and the cycle of burnout, anxiety, and self-sacrifice continues.

Ultimately you may often feel as though you have to choose between your authenticity and being accepted by others.

How Therapy Can Help You To Stop Masking

A crucial part of breaking free from people-pleasing is addressing and processing your experience of being treated and labelled negatively, feeling ‘too much’ or being misunderstood. If you’ve been criticised, dismissed, or shamed for your ADHD traits, it’s important to explore how these experiences have impacted you and emotionally process those experiences so they no longer hold power over you.

Trauma-informed therapy can help you revisit those past experiences in a safe and supportive way, allowing you to release the beliefs that have kept you stuck in people-pleasing patterns. By understanding - and believing - that the labels others placed on you were never a reflection of your worth, you can begin to accept yourself fully. To know that you truly are enough, just as you are.

Therapy can be deeply empowering. As you work through these past experiences and observe a shift in your belief system and how you feel, you’ll find that you’re better able to set boundaries, say ‘no’ when needed, and prioritise your own needs without guilt.

Most importantly, you’ll begin to embrace the real you, rather than hiding behind a mask or bending to meet the expectations of others.

How ADHD Can Make It Difficult To Set Boundaries

If you have ADHD, you might find setting and maintaining boundaries especially challenging. Impulsivity and a need for immediate validation can lead you to say ‘yes’ without pausing to consider whether you truly have the time or energy. Then, as you realise you;ve overcommitted, the stress and overwhelm starts to build.

You might also struggle with time management and organisation. This can make it hard to keep track of what you’ve agreed to, which only adds to the overwhelm. When you’re already battling to stay on top of things, people-pleasing can feel like an easy way to avoid additional stress from potential conflict or rejection.

Other ADHD Traits That Fuel People-Pleasing

There are other aspects of ADHD that can also contribute to these behaviorus. You may experience:

Hyperfocus: ADHD can sometimes cause you to hyperfocus on certain tasks or people. When you hyperfocus on relationships, you might put all your energy into pleasing others, losing sight of your own needs in the process.
Emotional dysregulation: If you struggle to manage intense emotions, conflict or criticism might feel unbearable. As a result, you may try to keep everyone around you happy, just to avoid the emotional turmoil that conflict can bring.
Low self-esteem: If you’ve spent years feeling misunderstood or battling negative labels like ‘lazy’ or ‘difficult’ people-pleasing may have become a way for you to seek external validation. You might rely on making others happy as a way to feel accepted or valued.

Breaking Free: How to Move from People-Pleasing to Authenticity

Recognising these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from people-pleasing. You deserve to live more authentically, in a way that prioritises your needs, not just everyone else’s. Here are some strategies to help you regain control:

Recognise your triggers: Start by identifying the situations or relationships where you tend to overextend yourself. Do you find yourself saying ‘yes’ to certain people out of fear of their reaction or not wanting to feel like you’ve let them down? Practice observing what might stop you saying ‘no’ when you don’t want to do something. Are there certain themes or patterns emerging?
Pause before responding: One of the most powerful tools for breaking the cycle of people-pleasing is slowing down by learning to pause. Give yourself a moment before responding to requests, (even if you have to count to 5 in your head!) and ask yourself, ‘Is this something I genuinely want or have time to do?’
Set clear, compassionate boundaries: Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you have to be harsh or dismissive. It’s about clearly communicating your needs in a kind and assertive way. Remember, you can say ‘no’ with empathy.
Prioritise self-care: With ADHD, it’s easy to focus on others’ needs and forget your own and even if you remember your own needs ADHD can make it hard to implement self-care. See if you can set aside and block some time (even if it’s 15 minutes) in your calendar to practice noticing what you need and see if you can do it, whether it’s through breathing exercises, physical activity/movement, or a creative outlet, find ways to care for your well-being.

Reclaim Your True Self and Live Authentically

Understanding the connection between ADHD and people-pleasing can help you break the cycle and start living more authentically. While ADHD might make you more prone to seeking approval or avoiding conflict, these behaviours are not permanent.

When we feel anxious or uncomfortable it’’s easy to forget that we have choices. Please remember you have choices and you have the power to protect your time and health and set boundaries, listen to your own needs, and show up as your true self.

Part of this journey involves processing the emotional wounds and trauma you’ve experienced from years of feeling ‘too much’ or misunderstood.

Through therapy, you can begin to let go of the need to please others and embrace your authentic self.