Why does it feel like you have no choice?

Feeling Like You Don’t Have a Choice? Understanding and Overcoming People-Pleasing

Have you ever felt trapped by the expectations of others - like saying no simply isn’t an option?

Maybe you’ve agreed to plans you didn’t want to attend or taken on extra work even though you were already overwhelmed. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

That feeling of not having a choice is at the heart of people-pleasing.

It’s that moment when setting a boundary feels impossible - like the world might collapse if you dared to prioritise yourself.

But where does this belief come from, and how can you start to break free from it? Let’s explore.

1. Childhood Conditioning

If you were raised in an environment where your needs weren’t prioritised - whether intentionally or not - you may have learned early on that keeping others happy was the safest way to navigate relationships. Perhaps you were praised for being helpful, told to “be a good girl and do as you’re told,” or subtly rewarded for compliance. Over time, you internalised the idea that acceptance and love were tied to how well you met others’ expectations.

2. Trauma and the Nervous System

For some, this conditioning runs even deeper. If you experienced trauma - whether that was direct harm or the absence of emotional support - you might have developed a survival response known as fawning. Fawning is when you instinctively appease others to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or maintain a sense of safety.

At one point, this response was protective. Perhaps standing up for yourself or declining requests as a child led to punishment or rejection, so your brain learned that saying yes was the best way to avoid emotional harm. But now, as an adult, that same response can keep you stuck - believing that you have no choice but to prioritise others at your own expense.

3. Cultural and Societal Pressures

Many of us are also shaped by societal expectations, particularly women, who are often socialised to be caregivers. We’re taught that saying no is selfish, that prioritising ourselves is rude, and that our worth is measured by how much we do for others. Over time, these messages become so ingrained that we stop questioning them - we simply accept them as reality.

How This Belief Shows Up in Adulthood

This deep-seated belief that you don’t have a choice can impact every area of life:

• Workplace: Saying yes to every request from your manager or colleagues, even when it means working late or sacrificing your own well-being.

• Relationships: Agreeing to things you don’t want to do, avoiding conflict, or feeling responsible for maintaining harmony at your own expense.

• Everyday Life: Feeling obligated to do favours for others, take on extra responsibilities, or put your needs last - even when you’re exhausted and feeling resetful.

In each scenario, the belief that you have no choice keeps you stuck in a cycle of overcommitment, stress, and resentment.

How to Break Free: Reclaiming Your Choices

The good news? You do have a choice. But recognising that starts with awareness and small, intentional changes. Here’s how:

1. Increase Awareness

Start by noticing when you feel like you have to do something. Pay attention to your body - does your chest tighten? Does your stomach drop? These physical signals can help you recognise when you’re acting from obligation rather than choice.

2. Pause and Acknowledge

When you feel that sense of pressure, take a moment to check in with yourself. Ask:

• What am I feeling right now?

• Is it guilt? Fear? Anxiety?

• What would I say to a friend in this situation?

3. Challenge the Belief

Remind yourself: just because you feel like you don’t have a choice doesn’t mean it’s true. Ask:

• What would I do if I believed I had options?

• What’s the worst that could happen if I set a boundary?

• Am I assuming responsibility for something that isn’t actually mine to carry?

4. Identify the Root Cause

Reflect on where this feeling comes from. Does it remind you of childhood experiences? Past patterns? Recognising that your brain is responding based on old conditioning can help you separate past fears from your present reality.

5. Practise Making Small Choices for Yourself

Start by setting small boundaries, even in low-stakes situations. For example:

• Instead of immediately saying yes, try saying, “I’ll get back to you.”

• Decline a request with kindness: “I can’t take that on right now, but I hope it goes well!”

• Notice when your preferences and start voicing them - if someone offers you a coffee, tell them you’d love a tea.

Over time, these small shifts will help you build confidence in your ability to prioritise yourself.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve spent a lifetime believing that saying yes is your only option, know this: it is possible to unlearn that belief.

Recognising that you do have choices is the first step towards reclaiming your time, energy, and well-being.

You are not selfish for prioritising yourself. You are not unkind for setting boundaries. And you are allowed to make choices that support you - not just everyone else.

If this resonates with you and you’d like support in breaking free from people-pleasing, I’d love to help. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Thing can be different!