ADHD, Feeling ‘too much’, and the path to People-Pleasing & Approval-Seeking

Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance from others? Maybe you often doubt yourself, second-guessing your decisions and worrying about how they’ll be perceived. If you have ADHD, this might feel all too familiar.

Approval-seeking behaviour is especially common among adults with ADHD.

It makes sense when you consider that many people with ADHD have been exposed to repeated messages – whether implicit or explicit – that they are “too much” or “not enough.” This can leave you feeling like you’re caught between both extremes, unsure of where you truly stand.

Over time, this can lead to a cycle of seeking validation from others, leaving you disconnected from who you really are.

The good news? It doesn’t have to stay this way.

In this blog, I explore why approval-seeking often shows up in ADHD, how it can affect your relationships, and practical steps you can take to break free from validation-seeking, build genuine self-confidence, and create authentic connections.

Why Does ADHD Lead to Approval-Seeking Behaviour?

1. Growing Up Feeling Misunderstood

If you grew up hearing phrases like “Why can’t you just focus?” or “Stop being so sensitive.” These messages create a sense of being different or “too much”…too talkative…too impulsive…too hyperactive. To cope, you might have developed a habit of masking and people-pleasing to try your best avoid criticism or rejection.

2. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

If you have ADHD, you may experience RSD - an intense emotional response to perceived rejection or criticism. This can make you hyper-aware of others’ opinions and eager to please in order to avoid painful feelings. No wonder you seek the approval of others - otherwise that discomfort you feel can be so intense.

3. Difficulty Trusting Your Own Judgement

Executive function challenges, like struggling to plan or make decisions, can lead to self-doubt. If you’re used to feeling uncertain, it can feel easier to turn to others for reassurance instead of trusting yourself.

How Approval-Seeking Impacts ADHD Relationships

1. Losing Your Authentic Self

When you’re focused on earning approval, you may find yourself saying “yes” to things you don’t want to do or agreeing with opinions you don’t share. Over time, this can erode your sense of identity and leave you feeling disconnected from your true self.

2. Creating Imbalanced Relationships

Approval-seeking often leads to one-sided relationships where you give more than you receive. You might overextend yourself to keep the peace or avoid confrontation, leading to burnout and feeling relationships you'r relationships always seem to be one-sided, and with that comes resentment.

3. Preventing Genuine Connection

When you’re masking or moulding yourself to fit others’ expectations, it’s hard for people to connect with the real you - because they don’t know who you really are. This can leave you feeling unseen or misunderstood, even in close relationships.

How to Stop Seeking Validation and Build Confidence

Breaking free from approval-seeking behaviour is a process, but it’s absolutely possible. Here are practical steps to get started:

1. Recognise the Pattern

Awareness is the first step. Notice when, where and with who, you’re seeking reassurance or bending over backwards. Ask yourself: Am I doing this because I genuinely want to, or because II feel like I should be doing this or ’m afraid of disappointing someone?

2. Challenge Negative Beliefs

Approval-seeking often stems from beliefs that are formed from the experiences you’ve had and the messages you’ve been exposed to from those around you and the different environments you’ve grown up in. Often beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” or “People will reject me if I don’t make them happy.” Work on identifying what your beliefs are, be curious about where they have come from and try challenging these thoughts. I know it’s easier said than done but try and remind yourself that your worth isn’t tied to others’ opinions.

3. Practice Self-Validation

Instead of looking outward for reassurance, start building your internal validation. Celebrate your wins, no matter how small, and remind yourself of your strengths. Noting down your achievements and journaling can be a helpful way to reinforce this practice.

4. Set Boundaries

Learning to say “no” is a powerful way to prioritise your needs over others’ expectations. Start small by setting boundaries with people you feel safe with, and build from there.

5. Focus on Genuine Connection

Authentic relationships thrive when you’re able to show up as your true self. Instead of trying to impress others, aim for vulnerability and honesty. The right people will appreciate you for who you are - being authentic helps you find your tribe.

6. Consider Therapy

If you know what you need to do but it you just don’t feel able to do it, it’s probably time to consider seeking support to help you uncover why it feels too difficult to break out of these cycles of approval-seeking. and people-pleasing.

Healing Is Possible

If you’ve spent years seeking approval, it’s important to remember: this isn’t who you are - it’s a learned behaviour. and with my framework you can uncover where and why you learnt this and how you can break free from this pattern and embrace your authentic self.

You can feel more confident, happier and grounded in who you are.

Are you ready to take the first step? Contact me today to explore how my approach can help you stop seeking validation and start living authentically.