Overt and Covert People-Pleasing: What’s the difference?
If you’ve ever found yourself juggling other people’s needs while your own sit untouched on the sidelines, you might already know you’re a people-pleaser.
But what if those habits are so subtle that even you don’t see them?
There’s overt people-pleasing, the kind we can all spot, and then there’s covert people-pleasing, which is harder to pin down but just as exhausting.
Knowing the difference is a game-changer for anyone ready to break free from putting others first all the time.
What is Overt People-Pleasing?
Overt people-pleasing is the classic, obvious type. It’s driven by a clear need to keep others happy, even at your own expense. Think about these situations:
Your friend casually mentions they need help moving house, and you instantly offer - even though you’re already stretched thin with work.
A colleague asks if you can take on extra tasks, and the word "yes" flies out of your mouth before you even think about it.
Someone gets upset in a group conversation, and you feel responsible for smoothing things over, even though it wasn’t your fault.
Overt people-pleasers often feel stuck in a cycle of constantly giving, only to feel drained, unappreciated, and maybe even a little resentful.
What is Covert People-Pleasing?
Covert people-pleasing, on the other hand, is more subtle - it’s the quieter, under-the-surface version. It’s not always about saying yes or jumping in to help; it’s about how you shape yourself to fit what others might want or expect. Here are some examples:
In a group setting, you hold back your opinions or pretend to agree with the majority to avoid being seen as “difficult.”
You send a text apologising for something completely unnecessary, like not replying instantly, even though no one’s complained.
Before meeting new people, you rehearse what you’ll say in case you come across as “too much” or “not enough.”
You replay conversations in your head, convinced you’ve annoyed or upset someone, even if they haven’t given you any reason to think that.
Covert people-pleasing can look like subtle self-betrayal: minimising your needs, silencing your voice, or diluting your true self. And the tricky part? You might not even realise you’re doing it.
Why Do We People-Please?
Whether overt or covert, people-pleasing isn’t just about being “nice.” It often has deep roots in our early experiences. Maybe you grew up in a household where being helpful was praised, or conflict was avoided at all costs. Perhaps you learned that love and approval felt conditional, tied to how much you gave or how little trouble you caused.
For some, people-pleasing is linked to the fawn response - a trauma response where keeping others happy feels like the safest option.
For others, it’s shaped by societal messages, especially for women, about being "good," "agreeable," and "selfless."
Whatever the cause, people-pleasing is usually less about the other person and more about managing your own discomfort - whether that’s the fear of being rejected, criticised, or not seen as “enough.”
How to Recognise and Break Free
If you’re nodding along (or feeling a little called out), it’s important to know that you can break free from these patterns. Here’s how to get started:
Notice Your Patterns
Pay attention to the choices you’re making. Are you agreeing because you genuinely want to - or because you feel guilty? For example, if you’ve agreed to bake 50 cupcakes for a school event and realise halfway through you didn’t actually want to, that’s a clue.Challenge Your Beliefs
People-pleasing often comes from believing your worth depends on how much you do for others. Ask yourself: What if my value isn’t tied to how helpful or agreeable I am? What if I’m already enough?Start Small
If the thought of saying no feels overwhelming, start with something small. For instance, the next time a friend invites you out and you’re tired, practise saying, “I’d love to see you, but tonight doesn’t work for me.”Learn to Sit With Discomfort
The hardest part of breaking free is often tolerating the discomfort of someone being disappointed. Remember: their feelings are theirs to manage. You don’t need to take responsibility for everyone’s happiness.Get Support
If this feels too big to tackle alone, therapy can be a space to explore why you people-please and how to shift those deep-rooted patterns.
Final Thoughts
Whether you’re an overt or covert people-pleaser, it’s not a fixed trait, it’s a behaviour you’ve learned to survive or keep the peace. And behaviours can be unlearned.
Healing doesn’t mean you’ll stop being kind or considerate, it means you’ll stop doing it at the expense of your own needs. With practice, you can learn to set boundaries, say no, and show up as your authentic self - without guilt.
Because here’s the truth: You are enough just as you are.
