Why Do We Try So Hard to Please Others? Understanding the Role of Social Anxiety and Low Self-Worth
Many of us try really hard to keep others happy, but the reasons behind this can be different for each person. Two common reasons are social anxiety and low self-worth, and while they might look the same from the outside, what drives them is quite different.
When Low Self-Worth Makes Us Try to Please Others
If you don't feel good about yourself, you might find yourself always trying to get others' approval. It's like trying to fill up an empty cup with other people's praise and happiness. You might think, "If I can just make everyone else happy, then I'll finally feel good enough." Or perhaps, "If someone isn't happy with me, it proves I'm not good enough."
This kind of people-pleasing can leave you feeling tired and exhausted, because no matter how much approval you get from others, it never quite feels enough. You might keep doing more and more for others, hoping that one day you'll finally feel worthy. And, people may come to expect it. But this often leads to feeling worn out, as your own needs always come last.
When Social Anxiety Makes Us Try to Please Others
When social anxiety is behind people-pleasing, it's more about trying to avoid feeling uncomfortable in social situations. You might agree with others or go out of your way to help, not because you feel unworthy, but because you're trying to avoid awkward moments or disagreements. The thought might be, "If I just go along with what they want, I won't have to deal with any uncomfortable situations."
When you're in situations where you might need to speak up for yourself, you might notice your heart racing, sweating, or feeling tense. Here, the focus is on avoiding these uncomfortable feelings rather than trying to prove your worth.
How These Can Mix Together
Sometimes these patterns can work together. You might start trying to please others because of social anxiety, but over time, always putting others first can make you feel less worthy as a person.
Or it might work the other way - not feeling good about yourself might make you more worried about what others think, leading to anxiety in social situations.
Why Understanding This Matters
Knowing whether your people-pleasing comes from low self-worth and/or social anxiety can help you make positive changes. While the behaviour might look the same from the outside, the way to address it depends on what's causing it.
If it's coming from low self-worth, you might need to focus on building up how you feel about yourself. If it's coming from social anxiety, you might need to work on feeling more comfortable in social situations. And if it’s coming from both, a dual approach can be used!
Remember: It's completely normal to experience both of these at the same time. The important thing is starting to notice these patterns so you can begin to make changes that feel right for you. Whether you're working on feeling better about yourself or becoming more comfortable in social situations, understanding what drives your people-pleasing is the first step towards having more genuine relationships with others - and with yourself.
Author: Sophia Spencer
Sophia Spencer is as specialist social anxiety and mental health therapist. She examines how social dynamics and psychological patterns shape our relationships, and often lead to depression and/or anxiety. Through her advanced training in CBT and Psychological Sciences (MSc), she helps clients understand both individual and societal influences on their social fears and relationship challenges.. Her approach combines evidence-based CBT techniques with insights from social psychology to help clients build authentic connections - whether in dating, family relationships, friendships, or professional settings.
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