How to Stop People-Pleasing at Work
There’s a misconception that people-pleasing is a positive quality, one that will lead to you being well-liked at work as the ‘go-to’ person.
Whilst it’s natural to want to be seen as a well-liked team player and build positive relationships, the habit of always putting others’ needs before your own and going the extra mile can lead to burnout, frustration, resentment, and a loss of authenticity.
The Subtle Signs of People-Pleasing at Work
People-pleasing at work can often go unnoticed because it’s masked as being helpful and cooperative. Therefore, it’s important to practice observing and noticing how your people-pleasing shows up.
Here are some subtle signs that indicate you might be prioritising others’ needs over your own when it comes to work:
Difficulty Saying No: You may overcommit, taking on more tasks than you can handle, often saying yes to additional projects and responsibilities even when you’re already stretched thin.
Extra Hours: You put in extra hours, starting early or staying late, and perhaps working through lunch. You put in extra effort to ensure you get everything done and everything is perfect, driven by a fear of letting others down or being seen as incompetent.
Fear of Disapproval: You avoid voicing your opinions or concerns, worried about how others might perceive you. You might go along with ideas or decisions you don’t fully agree with to avoid conflict.
Seeking Validation or Approval: You crave recognition and praise from colleagues and managers, and your self-worth becomes tied to their approval. When you don’t get recognition, you doubt yourself, your ability, and worth.
Avoiding Conflict: You shy away from difficult conversations and situations, preferring to keep the peace rather than address issues directly.
The Impact of People-Pleasing on Your Well-Being and Career
People-pleasing can significantly impact your well-being and your career progression. Here’s how:
Burnout: Constantly taking on more than you can physically or mentally handle without adequate rest and self-care leads to chronic stress and burnout. This can affect your physical health, mental clarity, functioning, overall job performance, and productivity.
Resentment: Suppressing your own needs often leads to feelings of resentment towards colleagues and the workplace. You might start feeling bitter towards those you are bending over backwards for, especially when it feels like your efforts aren’t noticed or reciprocated. This leaves you feeling disheartened and dissatisfied within a negative work environment.
Stagnation: By avoiding risks and not advocating for your own ideas, you might miss out on opportunities for growth and advancement. Your true potential remains untapped when you’re focused on pleasing others.
Indecisiveness: Being so in tune with what everyone else needs or wants from you can lead to you feeling uncertain about what you want and need. You may become stuck in a job that isn’t right for you, unsure of what you do want to do and what career you want to pursue.
Loss of Authenticity: When you’re constantly trying to meet others’ expectations, you lose sight of your own values, goals, and passions. This disconnect can lead to a lack of fulfilment and purpose in your career.
Steps to Overcome People-Pleasing at Work
Breaking free from people-pleasing at work requires self-awareness, courage, and practice. Here are some steps to help you get started:
Self-Reflection: Take time to observe and reflect on your behaviour at work. Are there specific situations where you tend to people-please? Is it happening with certain people? What is it about these people that drives you to want to please them? What fears or beliefs are driving your behaviour?
Set Boundaries: Learn to set clear boundaries with your workload and time. Have a cut-off from work - block time out for your breaks, try to start and finish at your contracted time, and resist checking your emails when you aren’t at work. Practice saying no to tasks that are beyond your capacity, aren’t within your job role, or don’t align with your goals. Remember, it might not feel like it, but it’s okay to prioritise your own well-being.
Communicate Assertively: Work on developing assertive communication skills. This means expressing your thoughts, needs, and concerns clearly and respectfully. Use “I” statements to own your feelings and avoid blaming others.
Seek Feedback: Ask for feedback from trusted colleagues about your work performance. This can help you gain a realistic perspective and reduce the need for constant validation.
Focus on Your Goals: Keep your career goals and values at the forefront of your mind. Make decisions that align with these, rather than trying to meet others’ expectations. Before taking on extra work, consider your motivation. Is taking on the extra work necessary for your goals, or is it purely to please the person asking?
Practise Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself as you work on changing these patterns. Recognise that it’s a process and that it’s okay to make mistakes along the way. If you notice you are criticising yourself or feeling bad, ask yourself, ‘What would I be saying to a friend in this situation?’
Embrace Your Authentic Self at Work
By addressing people-pleasing tendencies, you can create a more balanced, fulfilling, and authentic work life. Remember, you can address unhelpful people-pleasing habits and retain the positive qualities that make you the kind and considerate person you are.
You’ll find that setting boundaries and asserting your needs not only enhances your well-being but also earns you respect from colleagues and managers.
Authenticity allows you to bring your unique strengths and perspectives to the table, contributing to a more dynamic and innovative workplace.
