How Therapy for Low Self-Esteem Links to People-Pleasing

People-pleasing isn’t just about being agreeable or nice. For many, people-pleasing is rooted in low self-esteem and anxiety and is a coping mechanism for both.

When you don’t feel good enough about yourself, it’s easy to fall into a trap of anxiously seeking approval from others, or overcompensating by putting others' needs before your own, hoping it will make you feel more worthy.

Here are more reasons why low self-esteem is at the core of anxiety and people-pleasing:

Fear of Failure and Criticism

If you have low self-esteem you often fear failure and criticism intensely. To avoid these, you may go to great lengths to meet others' expectations and prevent any negative feedback. This fear can be paralysing, leading to a constant need to prove yourself worthy.

Validation Seeking

Low self-esteem often drives the need to look to others to validate your worth. By pleasing others, you, consciously or not, hope to gain the approval and affirmation you struggle to give yourself.

Fear of Rejection

A lack of self-confidence makes the fear of rejection more intense. If you’re a people-pleaser you may go out of your way to make others happy to avoid being rejected, because if you feel disliked it feels like it confirms your negative beliefs about yourself..

Conflict Avoidance

Low self-esteem can lead to an intense fear of confrontation. You may prioritise others' needs over your own to keep the peace, even if it means sacrificing your own well-being.

Identity Validation

It’s not uncommon for low self-esteem and people-pleasing to be tied to a fragmented sense of identity meaning you don’t really feel like you know who you really are. You may seek external validation to define who you are, perhaps shapeshifting yourself to feel like you fit in and are accepted. By pleasing others, your hope is to receive positive reinforcement that temporarily boosts how you feel about yourself.

Overvaluing Others’ Opinions

When self-esteem is low, there's a tendency to overvalue others' opinions. You may believe that others' approval is more important than your own needs and desires, causing you to prioritise others' expectations over your personal values.

Difficulty Asserting Needs

If you don’t think positively about yourself you probably find if challenging to assert your needs and desires. You might fear that asserting yourself will lead to rejection or conflict, so you suppress your own needs to accommodate others, often to your detriment.

Seeking Safety and Security

For those with low self-esteem, pleasing others can feel like a way to ensure safety and security. By keeping everyone around you happy, you believe you can create a more predictable and less threatening environment.

Internalising Negative Beliefs

Many people-pleasers have internalised negative beliefs about themselves from past experiences. These beliefs, such as thinking you are unworthy or unlovable, drive you to seek constant reassurance from others by pleasing them.

Perfectionism

Low self-esteem can be closely linked with perfectionism. You may strive to be perfect in others' eyes, thinking that any flaw or mistake will lead to disapproval. This unrealistic standard can lead to chronic stress and dissatisfaction and decision paralysis.

Over-responsibility for Others’ Emotions

You may feel overly responsible for others' emotions and well-being, believing it's your duty to ensure everyone else is happy, even if it means sacrificing your own needs and happiness.

Reliving Trauma

If you tend to sacrifice yourself for others and have low self0esteem you may hold unprocessed trauma from times when your needs were neglected, or you felt you had to earn love and approval. Pleasing others becomes a way to try to correct those past hurts, seeking the acceptance you lacked before.

Avoiding Introspection

Low self-esteem can make self-reflection painful. You might focus on others' needs as a way to avoid looking inward and confronting your own insecurities and fears.

Breaking Free from the Cycle

This constant need to please others can take a toll on your emotional and physical health.

Anxiety, burnout, and resentment are common among people-pleasers and looking at how low-self esteem can manifest is not surprising!

By understanding the connection between low self-esteem and people-pleasing, you can start to reclaim your sense of self-worth. Remember, your value isn't determined by others' opinions but by your own belief in yourself.

If you’d like to adress your people-pleasing tendencies and improve your self-esteem then feel free to book in for a free initiall call and we can have a chat about how I can help.